• KB

God where are you?

January of 2015, (10 years into #dedicated service within the #church i grew up in); I began observing the interactions of those who worked in the office and closely with the senor pastor. The continuous #politics and the turning a place of #worship into a #business, I began to take a step back, to not be so involved. However returning to just be a member of the congregation didn't go down very well. After being #shunned by my home church of 27 years (my entire life). I was #lost, I had no #supportnetwork. I was in a #domesticviolence relationship I lost my amazing apartment and was now living in a dingy, poorly converted garage. Things were not looking good at all, church was my only escape from the #nightmare that waited at 'home' for me each day; And now i have been pushed away and #alienated, due to now wanting to be apart of something that #exploited peoples #vulnerability.

The cascading #negative events and #condemning interactions with few member that attempted to "reach out", cause me to hit a real rough patch #mentally and #emotionally. Something had to change. It had to start from within my home. My #abusive partner at the time was at his mothers house, no more than 30 mins away by bus; I had to get him out, I believed this was the first step i had to take. I called him and simply told him i was ending it! #CLICK. Ok he may have been mad to hang up, however there was still the issue of his belonging. Before could make it back i packed his things and placed them outside in a safe but visible place for him. It couldn't have been more than 20 minuets before the front door was #kickedin...I was thrown to the floor, Kicked multiple times and when i managed to get up,he #bottled me in my face. When he left, I realized I didn't have anyone to call for help or just a shoulder to #cry on. #Nofriends, #Nofamily. The #suicidal thoughts began to spring up and overtake every waking moment. It was then that I felt for the 6th time in my life that God had #forsaken me. Days and nights passed where all I done was sleep. I didn't want to face my #reality. I was just waiting for God to have enough of me wasting his time and creation and just #takeme!

A month and several #suicideattempts later, I figure it was a good idea if I tried to interact with people...maybe not in person, i don't think i could have handles a face to face interaction as it had just been so long.

The go to place was of course #FACEBOOK; I began posting daily #devotions from a session of #meditation. I would focus on a verse and meditate over it before coming up with a devotional that had some real #lifeexperiences to further illustrate the message. This was proving to be an amazing way to get me back on track with my walk with the Lord but also to maybe #encourage just one person to #holdon just a little longer! Soon I was receiving daily #prayerrequests from friends and random people that had found my page. I began to get closer to God again, I began to experience that #HolyGhost #fire in my belly! There really was a shift occurring...... #God was about to blow the hinges off a door!

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